Lifestyle and Self Healing

So a lot has been racing through my mind... a lot of feelings of shame and guilt really. I wasn't able to get a therapy session in for this week due to my schedule and now i have to wait until the 21st in order to go. It's not that bad, but it made me realize just how much therapy really helps me as something to go to as a habit for myself and my own health. I can't let go of this feeling of shame i have with myself, it's something i feel in the moment and it fades away and comes back again just to spite me. Guilt is my enemy, it's not me. I should have no guilt because as a child i did nothing wrong, so why do i still have this feeling within me? I don't know why, it just happens to be like i'm never truly contempt with myself... there's always something to perfect.. and it gets tiring trying to be this ideal version of yourself when in the back of your brain all you have is guilt and shame waiting for you, seeking that release from within, waiting fo...

This Saturday i might be going on a date! I'm really excited and of course nervous, this guy is really nice and seems really genuine so of course i hope the date turns out well and even if it doesn't then it's an experience to grow from. I went to see my therapist yesterday and i talked to him about my date, what he does, some traits of his and one that i personally really like about him is that he's driven and passionate for his craft, i find that really attractive overall. It was nice talking to my therapist about how Saturday could potentially go, and he seemed proud of me and also excited for me in terms of change and the way that i'm growing from these past experiences. I hope that whatever i gain from this that i'll know that i at least tried something new again. I also talked to my therapist about the "period of time" once should date after being in a previous relationship and he told me the way i was going about it was fine as long as i don...

Grieving throughout a process that has happened before feels like hell. I'm sure a lot of people can relate. As of now, of course memories still come from time to time but i've been coping in a healthy way about this. I've been writing in my journal everyday, that was something i did before the break up, and it's something i want to continue because i talked to my therapist about it and thats how a habit forms. This is a healthy habit i want to continue and although some days will be more difficult than others in terms of what to write about, it'll be fine because not everything has to be so deep and personal, a simple check in will work. I've been reading more as well as playing a game i really enjoy which is the telltale's walking dead. I've made my own reading journal and made it look cute and i'm going to write down the books i read within each month and give sort of a review of what i read. I'm motivated to do some boxing/ kickboxing... i ...

So i've talked about this scenario before on here.. and unfortunately this is still tied with the same person that my first break up was about. So i'll try my best to explain everything that has happened since then. My ex and I were no longer a thing since may of 2018, three or four months go by and he contacts me saying that he would like to talk to me about something, so we called at that time and he told me that he had a rebound with this girl, it wasn't sexual but he was in a relationship with her for 1 month.. and it ended because he knew he still had feelings for me and he didn't want to do that to her... time goes on and we start talking again like how it was before we even broke up, he said he wanted to change and grow up and that he still wasn't looking for a relationship right now. I told him that i understood and would give him the space to do so, but our feelings got in the way and we were basically on and off were we would show these emotions but la...

I posted on my instagram today a questions tab for people to submit answers this time to me. I asked everyone what were 3 things they wanted to improve about themselves for the upcoming year? I wrote down my 3 but it ended up turning to 4, the first being that i wanted to improve my overall confidence. 2nd i want to do more art throughout this year as well as improve my artistic ability in some way. 3rd was that i wanted to be less of a push over and say no to people and put myself first before others. The 4th thing came later to me but i wanted to also have a goal in mine to keep posting on here some more because writing on here does help me out. This year was really crazy for me, a lot happened within it. I was in a relationship that was about to go 2 years strong but it came to an end abruptly and till this point i'm not exactly sure where that's going to go. I then was confronted by my mom to talk about myself because i seemed off. So, soon enough i told my parents abou...

So i never really have given much depth as to what i wanted to do in terms as a life goal of mine. If everything in life goes well for me i'd like to become a substance abuse counselor and although this image says drugs, substance abuse could also be alcohol and different forms of substance abuse could also include other addictions like eating. Tonight i want to share why exactly i want to become a substance abuse counselor and what led me to this path. My older brother is actually an alcoholic and most of my life i think i just ignored that fact, i didn't have much of a reaction as to how i felt about it because i would often be blind-sighted of what was happening around me, even though i'm sure i could pick up on cues and see the patterns that were happening, i chose to ignore them instead. As i got older it was more prevalent and it was hard to ignore because often times that was all that was talked about in family conversations. This is sort of an on going battle, ...

So i haven't posted on here for a while now for a reason. But i'm not really going to post much after this as well, i'm not doing okay with my mental health right now and i don't even know where to begin with any of this, i'm weak and i'm tired. I've tried helping a situation that has ultimately left me to dissolution. I'm not okay for right now and it's honestly scaring me. my initial reaction was to cut again but i really don't want to throw away anything that i've tried to help myself with getting over this impulse. I want to take some time away from everything to recollect my thoughts, reflect on myself as an individual. my other initial reaction that i had with myself was to end it all because i thought at what point am i needed? I try really hard to be someone that i honestly want for myself but i'm not gaining much. that's all i will say now.