Overcoming Self Harm *Trigger Warning*

Before I begin to talk about everything that's happened with me lately i want to put this up in case anyone who is reading this needs to talk to someone... National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255.

I'm not exactly sure where to start with this post. I have a lot of racing thoughts as to what exactly i want to say. I'll start off by stating my age, i'm currently 20 i will be turning 21 in august. I'm very young, i'm aware of it but it doesn't mean my emotions and or feelings are not credible to this topic because i've dealt with a lot of shit from my childhood up until now and experiences always give a lasting impression to me at least of how you can shape yourself as a better person.. what do these experiences give you? whether it's bad or good.. do you make something out of it? I'm still trying to process that within myself.

I have had a traumatic event happen in my life when i was very young... and till this date it is my biggest secret yet, i've only told 2 people, i told my bf but as of right now we are just friends because it's all very complicated right now and i've also told my mental health counselor as of last year... it took me over 12 years for me to confess about something, to confide someone of my biggest ache in my heart, the reason for my cutting and the reason for my ever lasting depression. It takes time, it takes a fucking long time for anyone to truly open up.. it can take someone 2 years, a month,15 years and so on, everything happens within reasons and for me it took a bit longer for me to finally realize that how i'm feeling about myself wasn't healthy... so i went to get professional help.

Luckily my college has health services and provides mental health counselors that provide 1-hour private sessions that are free to students. It took me a while to really gather enough courage for me to even just place myself in that environment, even though i knew i had resources i was not willing to take advantage of it sooner that i thought i would, i've been in my community college since fall of 2015.. and the first time i took therapy into consideration was in 2017... so yeah it took me a while but i'm so happy with what i've been doing for myself. I talked one on one with my counselor about a lot of details in my life... my struggles, my insecurities, my flaws, my self harm and my repressed emotions. One of the biggest triggers for me that i've noticed so far with all of this is that i've always been one to shy away from facing my own demons. I've repressed my emotions and bottled them inside thinking that one day they will fade but in reality it got worse and i ended up hurting myself with a fake flower that had an attached blade at the end of it. I actually want that as a tattoo on my inner forearm on my right arm because well... that's the arm i would hold the fake flower with to do the self harm.. yay for tattoo inspiration right?.. i honestly want it so i can create that foundation for myself to overlook those memories and never do them again. I posted this emotional post on instagram sharing to my friends and family that follow me that i've dealt with self harm... but a lot of people don't know that not that long after that post i self harmed again even though that post was more of a plea to show how well i've been doing... i felt like a big hypocrite.

The deed was done though and there's no turning back from it, i've ultimately made a difference with my approach to this topic, i went and sought after professional help... which i will still be continuing because although i've made progress.. i still feel like a piece of shit. I'm really strong but there's still so much i have to work on myself.. which is the main reason why i wanted to make this blog, i find that social media is so interesting, everything can look quite simple and lovely but i want to show my reality of how my life is going... obviously not everything is bad, i have had lovely days and crappy days but this blog is here for the reason to show that everyone struggles with something.. no one is in fact perfect.

I want to leave this off by saying if you have this same experience or feeling in general... please talk to someone, don't wait like i did, i've waited so long to get something off my chest and holy shit has it done wonders for me... even though i'm not completely to the level i want to be with within myself i'm definitely improving. If you find someone you can trust whether its a sibling, friend, romantic partner, teacher, etc just build small talk, not everything has to be let out all at once.. i didn't start out with everything i wanted to say from the start, but building up to it was something i did in my own comfort. I've learned that writing is my way of coping with many issues, and it's taken me a while to realize it, but find something you enjoy and keep yourself busy with the joy you gain from it all. I make art, i play games, i'm very creative so all those activities are ways that i escape from pain, so find what you love and do more of it because it helps and makes a difference that might not be noticeable at first but you will understand in time how important it is in life. Keep staying strong. If anyone has made it to the end i applaud you and thank you for reading this.

*Note*: Not my original art.. https://www.demilked.com/depression-death-skeleton-drawings-haenuli-shin/