Lifestyle and Self Healing

So i never really have given much depth as to what i wanted to do in terms as a life goal of mine. If everything in life goes well for me i'd like to become a substance abuse counselor and although this image says drugs, substance abuse could also be alcohol and different forms of substance abuse could also include other addictions like eating. Tonight i want to share why exactly i want to become a substance abuse counselor and what led me to this path. My older brother is actually an alcoholic and most of my life i think i just ignored that fact, i didn't have much of a reaction as to how i felt about it because i would often be blind-sighted of what was happening around me, even though i'm sure i could pick up on cues and see the patterns that were happening, i chose to ignore them instead. As i got older it was more prevalent and it was hard to ignore because often times that was all that was talked about in family conversations. This is sort of an on going battle,

So i haven't posted on here for a while now for a reason. But i'm not really going to post much after this as well, i'm not doing okay with my mental health right now and i don't even know where to begin with any of this, i'm weak and i'm tired. I've tried helping a situation that has ultimately left me to dissolution. I'm not okay for right now and it's honestly scaring me. my initial reaction was to cut again but i really don't want to throw away anything that i've tried to help myself with getting over this impulse. I want to take some time away from everything to recollect my thoughts, reflect on myself as an individual. my other initial reaction that i had with myself was to end it all because i thought at what point am i needed? I try really hard to be someone that i honestly want for myself but i'm not gaining much. that's all i will say now.