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My Mom Knows

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On Tuesday my mom waited for me to finish up the drawing i was making for my art class and she asked if she could talk to me. I wasn't in trouble and she didn't want to make me feel like she snooped around in my belongings or computer to find out that something isn't going well with me. She said she had this mother's intuition that something was wrong.. i'm not one to really show a lot of emotions overall but i'd say i'm doing better now at expressing stuff with my mom but of course one thing was not expressed at all and that was my sexual abuse. We both started crying even though nothing was officially said but we both knew that something wasn't going well in me. I've held such a burden on my shoulders for the past 11-12 years all because i was too afraid of the reactions i would get and what would happen afterwards. My mom didn't know what i was going to confess to her but she knew it must have been bad because i've changed so much and i notice it in myself, i had a hard time this past year just getting the courage to tell other people about it and now i have to tell my mom which was the hardest thing ever. She had a lot of concerned questions for me, about the sexual abuse and who did it and where and how and it was really hard on me to answer everything at once but of course i would do it because my mom deserves to know this, i'm ashamed and i feel disappointed at myself for not telling anyone for so long and having the damage reflect back on me. This was done by someone really close to me and most sexual abuse cases that tends to be the most common aspect, it's someone you know, someone you trust and someone who's close to you. There were some hard times in our conversation as i was trying my best to explain why i couldn't say no at the moment and why i never told anyone until i was older... i was in the situation of a fight or flight response and in that experience i was in shock and couldn't bring myself to say anything and i never told anyone when i was older until 2 years ago, i told my ex who i was in love with... but when i was younger i repressed that memory from my mind and soon enough i couldn't remember much of it.. our brains are wonderful tools but are also protectors and in this case my brain was trying it's best to avoid that memory until when i got older i remembered certain things and i finally was able to understand how i felt and what happened and that it was wrong and no one should ever have to go through that. We talked for hours and hours alone at the house, cried some more and talked again and there were moments of silence that filled the whole house. One of my biggest fears about this situation was that no one would end up believing me, but my mom does believe me and i'm really fortunate that she does but i'm still scared of what may happen next after this chapter is done. I feel much more light and ready to move forward with my life and learn from my mistakes as well... as an adult i know how to speak for myself now, when i was younger i just never took advantage of my voice. In terms of intimacy i am limited because i know how much my body really means to me now after going through this, but i am not avoidant to love. I just want to heal more and really appreciate this moment of finally saying what needed to be said and telling both my parents everything from now on, it will make our relationship even stronger now and it will create a foundation of trust.

*Note* Not my original artwork... Mother Daughter

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