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My Big Secret

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I've had a big secret that i've kept to myself for a long time and basically within last year and this year i've come forward and told a couple of people of what's happened to me. There's only two people that actually know everything about it which was my ex and also my health counselor. But i've told more people now about it... probably about 3 more people know about this as a general topic more than knowing each detail... but any progress that i made helped me a lot in the end.

It's hard to even type this out but i was sexually abused as a child by someone that i consider close to me. I don't want to give out full details on anything at this moment. But i do want to use this space as something that i could both learn from as well as heal from. This whole blog has really shaped my view on what i've been wanting to do my entire life.. and mental health is such a big influence for me. I've always love learning about psychology and it's a field that i'm going to enter in later in life. It's been a big focus on my life and a lot of what's happened with me... but i choose to ignore my own mental health the most. I've put people in front of me.. and it's given me a void inside of myself because i've been neglecting my health in so many ways, i've avoided taking care of myself and now i'm suffering with many years of shame and guilt and repression and i want to come clean about it all now.. I've suffered too long not to say anything and that's the biggest reason as to why i'm going to a mental health counselor because i've been talking about this.. about my childhood and my experiences.

Now that i've grown up and really dealt with everything in my life and have soaked everything up, i've grown to learn that some stuff just doesn't work out. I've been doing well with going to counseling but here and there there's still a part of me that represses this moment instead of growing from it.. and i'm at this point now in my life where i really want to try my hardest to grow in all aspects in my life. I want to grow and be my own role model for myself and i want to show myself just how much i've gone through but also show how much i can really preserve my own sense of self worth for myself, i never really knew how to grasp the full concept of who i thought i was as a person... i've had a lot of changes very recently with myself and my own self identity and i often question myself if who i am becoming is something genuine... and i've realized yes it is. I've been such a strong individual lately even though this year has been so far one of the hardest years for me mentally. I've talked to people around me.. gotten their opinions.. talked to a mental health counselor.. and gotten their opinions and it's really been draining. Getting help for myself was something i needed to do for a while now that i never realized the complexity of it's benefits. I've gained such a personal growth and inspiration from all of this and i've been really proud of what i've gained so far, i'm finally learning to take care of myself when i honestly never knew when i would ever ask for help. It took me so long to get to this point of comfortability with the idea that " not being okay... is okay"... it's such a simple idea to grasp because everyone has their own personal struggle in what they deal with on a daily basis.. and mine just happened to be this... i hid my feelings and my thoughts, my frustrations and my own vulnerabilities for too long, i was always afraid of what the outcome would be.

I'm still continuing this journey though.. i haven't stopped. I even have a new mental health counselor that i speak to at school because my previous wasn't going to be counseling for this semester and although i was bummed out about it because i've gotten familiar with how he worked with me, it's also something good for me to practice with in terms of spreading the word about my own personal experience with sexual abuse. So at this point nothing is stopping me from getting the help i need, but i still need a lot of work in order to really feel comfortable with the idea of finally telling my parents soon about this mess. It's been in the back of my mind for a long time now and although i'm tired of keeping this in.. i'm just not exactly sure what their reaction would be to this.. i don't know how really anyone would respond to this and i'm scared but if it means that i could finally learn to heal from it, i'd like to pursue it and take measurements according to it. I'll leave this here... but i want to come back to this topic and update this blog with how i'm doing and how this process in general is going and write about my personal goal with speaking out about this. There's a lot that i can say but i can't really think of what else to really put on here.. I need to take some time and reflect and hopefully soon i can make a post that has more details as to what really happened in my childhood, maybe share how old i was.. but i could say that now.. i was around maybe 8 or 9 when it happened and a lot of it has been repressed to the point that i don't have the greatest memory of it but there's definitely a lot that i still remember vividly. But thank you to anyone who happens to read this post.. this is a post that means so much to me because even though not a lot of people view the posts that i make... making this public for possibly people to view it shows my strength and my spirit of wanting to heal and move on with my journey in life. Thank you again and take care.

*Note* : not my original art ... Sexual Abuse

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