Learning to Forgive After Heartbreak

Hello once again... I wasn't exactly happy with my last post about confidence because i didn't really go into crazy depth about myself as a whole... i gave a general idea but i didn't do that much with it. Whenever i make a post, i do it all on one day just to get it over with.. but i actually want to spend more time creating quality content in my writing. So hopefully this post will be much better than my last one.. that's the beauty of this... i get to observe my own creations and make changes. 

This topic is going to be about heartbreak... and i know a lot about it. Although i'm very young.. and really i've only had one serious relationship, heartbreak is the shittiest feeling to have to go through. There's constant conflicting thoughts and feelings that you fight within yourself thinking " did all of this happen because of me?".. you start nitpicking at anything to find out basically what the hell went wrong. Not everyone knows the complete story about my breakup with my bf of almost 2 years. But i finally want to introduce it into this blog because it's a way for me to heal from it as well... and this isn't to say that i'm doing terrible because a lot has changed from the initial breakup and we've resolved a lot of issues. 

I don't know where exactly to start off on... i've been in a relationship with this man who i loved so much and still do till this day for many reasons. That's one thing i can't forget of even while going through all of this is that i still love the person who broke up with me. And it's okay to still have those feelings.. i've been with this person for a good amount of time where i think i would have these feelings because the breakup wasn't something i was expecting. It was all very unexpected.. it was a forced breakup by his parents. It was honestly the worst feeling ever because it was a total shock. His parents really like me even till this day, but i'm not his priority right now.. his studies are. There's a lot more i can add onto it but i just don't want to publicly give out every little detail about him and his life. Time went on from the initial breakup and i still had feelings and so did he and we still wanted to be together after the forced breakup, so we kind of had dates more in private cause obviously his parents wouldn't be okay with the idea. And my parents were okay with it as long as he didn't get in trouble... so a lot of time went on to where we were trying to figure stuff out between us and how do we go on from here... It's hard trying to keep a relationship a secret because we technically didn't have a title as to what we were but we still wanted everything that happened within a relationship. 

Communication became our downfall... i always wanted clear communication but throughout this time of us wanting to see each other in private, time went on and he had a different idea of what we were... he had conflicting feelings and told me that he didn't even love me anymore, and that fucking hurt because i was confused as to what we were trying to accomplish with any of this then. What was the reason behind all of this? Was it because of something i did or say that made you fall out of love? ... That communication that we had in our relationship soon faded and confusion override it... we tried sticking as seeing ourselves as just friends and seeing how that went but every now and then a couple cute names that we called each other would slip in our messages... and just the overall tone of our conversation soon changed, and it was like nothing happened at all... but it was too good to be true because then maybe not even a day later i would get a message saying that we should slow things down a bit, and that he's confused as to what he really wants right now... he's not even sure if the messages we sent to each other were genuine or he was just acting the part of it. I became more frustrated at the thought of just manipulation being painted upon me. I couldn't believe anything anymore.. at that point i never knew if i was being lied to or if anything he was saying to me would be his true feelings. 

We talked and talked... tried to resolve confusions.. ended up having more than the previous time and it became a cycle of this. We still hung out.. saw each other here and there and strictly hung out as friends.. but those feelings never faded and we started to do things we did back when we were in a relationship together. I went over to his house after a long time of me not being able to go there and it all felt so familiar and nostalgic... even just to step foot in his house.. i felt calm and i felt at home.. i talked to his parents a lot, and they seemed great as always.. there were no hard feelings at that point. Even between me and him. We forgave each other for a lot of what we both put each other through.. because he wasn't the blame of all of this. Most of everything that happened between us was just confusion on both sides. He told me that he still had feelings but he thought it was the best decision for himself right now to end us because he has to focus on himself and school because he's having a difficult time really wanting to know what to do in the future... his parents want him to be a doctor.. and he's fine with the idea.. but i'm not entirely convinced that it's the best career path for him. 

Being at his house was wonderful.. we hung out as friends the first half of our day but between here and there we just did what came natural to us.. we kissed and we held hands.. not in front of his parents but just when we could. I didn't feel uncomfortable at all, i just felt happy and i felt bliss... finally. Finally i get this moment that i think i've wanted to happen.. i didn't want to repress my feelings for him because i still knew i had them. In my heart i knew that i still loved him and i still want a chance with him, and even though i don't know when we will ever get a chance to get back together officially, i haven't really felt tension from it.. i've been taking things as they are and seeing where it leads me to. We've talked recently about wanting to get back together in the future... and that right there is true progress... from the beginning of all this mess.. knowing that we still had feelings for each other, it was a sigh of relief knowing that we can work ahead possibly giving ourselves a second chance to our relationship. As of right now though, i've been focusing on myself, i still think about him of course.. it's hard to just want to avoid someone you've known for a while... we still talk regularly when we can through messaging.. and we seem good so far. It's been normal, and i am not worrying so much as to what might happen to us because i understand that even wanting to do this could be such a big risk because maybe nothing really would happen in the end. But i'm not going to take it as wasted time. I wanted to make this decision for myself.. i'll still learn a lot from it regardless where it goes in the future.. we are exclusive to ourselves... meaning whatever we do is between us.. i'm not going to flirt with another guy or hook up with another guy, i wouldn't even want to if i was single either ways.. but we are kind of in this stage of like "dating" but there's still no official title to us. We are again just doing things that are natural to us and seeing where that will lead us to. I've been really happy and i've been busy with school and with friends and also with him, i finally feel at ease with this situation... it felt so draining and it felt like a long time of us just going back and forth and just this tiny step of progress made it a whole lot better for me. Thank you to anyone reading this... this post might be all over the place but i tried my best to stay on topic of things. Take care.

*Update* ... a lot has happened recently... and i don't think there will be a chance for us in the future... not after what happened yesterday. He doesn't want to be with me overall anymore because he's tired of it. It's like ripping out my heart all over again.. and i'm so stupid to be taking this risk. This was my fault so i can't blame him.. but um i really loved him so it hurts to see that it really had to end this way either ways.  

*Note: not my original art ... forgiveness *